i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
