Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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