I'm passing your future prison.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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