I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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