woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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