Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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