It's like God shit irony all over that family
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
