Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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