Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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