i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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