You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it glows. i had to have it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
