My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
