oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
