The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do herpes really smell.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
