Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize
