Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize