Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.