Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.