Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text