she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!