Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
