Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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