you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
