no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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