I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
