my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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