He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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