He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
