Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
