Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
