Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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