how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
