eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
