If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
