i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
