my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
