Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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