We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
