I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
