he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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