Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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