I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
