How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
