I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
