I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
