who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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