you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
