Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
