i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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