this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm too high and old for this...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
