They should really pass out barf bags in church
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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