woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
