I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
