a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
