Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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