I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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