if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
