He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
